she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
