I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
