Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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