I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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