So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
