I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
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Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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