Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
