Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
