Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
