Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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