My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
