there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
