6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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