I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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