It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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