And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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