I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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