If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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