There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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