I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
