a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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