its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
