Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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