Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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