remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
