did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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