a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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