Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
