So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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