I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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