I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
