somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
NoShamevember. You game?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
