I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i will never coherently bang her
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
