life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
