just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
