My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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