Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
