Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
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I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
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So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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