You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
