I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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