So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
