he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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