and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
