I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
