Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
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