TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
