By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
North Korea, Best Korea!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
