Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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