Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
