I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
