I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
