I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
