I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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