someone threw a dead crab at me
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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