I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
