i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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