I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
