i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
