Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
