You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
